Arriving at home on the Monday after being discharged from hospital, it offered enough challenges and one of them was to settle myself on our bed – which was not very conducive for back injuries. The first night wentby without any hassle and Venetia was so afraid to cause any further pain to me, she even decided to sleep on the floor. There is a title to a song that I would like to change to: “When a woman loves a man”!
Then the terrible roller coaster of emotions started to take shape in my life. Although I could move my legs, I felt
paralyzed, trapped and vulnerable lying on the bed. It was a painful mission to put the brace on and sit up and eventually stand. Someone had to help me with this process and I could only walk with someone’s helping hand. I went through a process of where I hated the bed until I have walked about 10 steps and then wished I could lie down again. I had to eat lying down on my side and drink through a straw and I yearned for the ability to where I could sit up straight and eat like a normal person again. Even the most mundane process of standing up and going to the toilet was not so mundane right then and it was quite an event to be able to do this.
The terrible thoughts started at night and continued through the day every time I went to sleep. Thoughts of being paralyzed. Thoughts of losing the ability to walk and do my own thing. Thoughts of walking down the steps and falling again. These thoughts occupied me for a while and my memory went back to a man that I have met a couple of months ago at a quadriplegic home in Mayville, Pretoria. The story of this man (more or less my age) was that he was about 19 years old when a taxi ran him over on the pavement and he was paralyzed from the neck down. His world and the world of so many others are confined to the beds and wheelchairs and they had to teach themselves the art of painting with their mouths in order to support the homes where they live. This meeting with him and well known artist Justice May really was an emotional and spiritual event for me and I have the utmost respect for these men and women of how they are coping. I don’t know how I would cope in such a situation – it would only be the Grace of God that could take you through something as terrible like this. It is also the Grace of God that prevents us from going through such extremes in life. I just praised God over and over that He spared me from such an ordeal. Paul writes:
- 1Co 10:13 (ISV) No temptation (experience) has overtaken you that is unusual for human beings. But God is faithful, and he will not allow you to be tempted beyond your strength. Instead, along with the temptation he will also provide a way out, so that you may be able to endure it.
Many people will tell you that such an accident/injury is life changing. Yes, I totally agree because it teaches you not to take anything for granted – especially not your body because it is the only place where you can live in. Then I see on TV those stupid young people who perform stunts and crashes their bodies to the earth or other objects without any consideration of the consequences?
Satan tried to induce fear in my life like never before and I felt vulnerable and totally useless lying on the bed. He bombarded me with thoughts of:
- Blood clots in my legs due to my age and being mostly inactive can result in a heart attack;
- A terrible pain on my left side could be another kidney stone (which I had many years ago). A kidney stone the size of a pin head, will cause such extreme pain that you would first fear you are dying and then start to fear that you would never die.
- A persistent blister on my tongue could be the start of cancer and I would lose the ability to talk.
- The base of the bed is cracked and it could collapse any time while I am lying on the bed.
- The general fear of claustrophobic – and not being able to help myself.
- And a fear of dying because I have not yet achieved in Christ what I have visioned – and I have already dealt with the fear of dying in 1999 because my life, my trust and hope is completely in the Lord Jesus Christ.
On top of this I started to have weird dreams. Dreams of a man lying on a carpet and then he disappears into the carpet as if it is quick sand. Walking from one room (scene) to another room of a building and the scene would change completely. I saw faces of people I know and all of a sudden their faces would be full of scars or disease. Then I would see groups of soldiers (foreign) and the thought comes to mind that they are going to take over the country by force. And I would walk through these scenes without any fear, but then I would start to fear going to sleep again because of all the weird dreams. Like a never ending roller coaster. I then realised that these dreams are not normal and it borders more on hallucinations.
I checked the medication which I received in hospital, especially the one which I requested that would prevent the painful spasms in my back muscles. The prescription declared that I could take half a pill (about 12mg) three times a day and I have only been taking half a pill at night. The brochure declared the following side effects as common:
- Dizziness, nausea, mental confusion; headache; euphoria; depressive states; muscular weakness; hallucinations and nightmares – to name only the ones that I have experienced.
- The name of this medication is: Lioresal 25mg – Schedule 4 drug.
- I had to take other medication to counter act some of the side efects (dizziness and nausea).
Now the following questions arise:
- Is it not perhaps the medication given to people suffering from depression, that pushes them further into the pit from where they cannot return? Or
- Is it not perhaps the side effects of your current medication that creates the feeling of depression and other situations?
- I know for a fact that my brother who suffered from Parkinson’s, had to battle with frequent depression attacks due to the side effects of his medication.
- Be warned and check out the stuff you are putting through your teeth – because the stuff you think might heal you, might just kill you?
- Recently I was shocked to find out how many people (young people) use sleeping pills to sleep? This is the first phase where the devil captures your mind and prohibits the Spirit of God to give you dreams and visions and warnings for His purpose.
Through all these lonely days when everybody in the house were at work, I had the constant companionship of our little dog “Strepie”. He is a cross breed between a Jack Russel and a Pekinese – very cheeky and protective over me – and he would walk each step with me wherever I go. When I cry out of pain, he would immediately respond and jump on the bed and lick my hand or my ear until I say thank you and then return to his place on the floor next to the bed. One day he gently placed his head on my
shoulder as if he was giving me a hug. That made my day!
Now fear is NOT from the Lord Jesus Christ.
Fear stands for: F = false E= evidence; A=appearing; R= real.
I really longed for someone who would come and pray for me – but nobody came and I had to take control of my life again. Paul also gave us good advice in the Word of God:
- 2Ti 1:7 (ISV) for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control (also sound mind
according to KJV).
But the previous verse (verse 6) affirms that we need to take control of our lives through the gifts of God. He has given us precious knowledge and spiritual weapons from His Word how to handle the deception and the attacks from Satan.
- 2Ti 1:6 For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands,
I started to pray and rebuked satan with all of his devious strategies and told him to go and God released His peace over me again. See other verses:
- Rom 8:14 For all who are led by God’s Spirit are God’s children.
- Rom 8:15 For you have not received a spirit of slavery that leads you into fear again. Instead, you have received the Spirit of adoption by whom we cry out, “Abba! Father!”
We are not in slavery of fear anymore because of the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ. God has given us the power to be called sons of God (John 1:12 KJV) and we can call Him “Father”. What a privilege and a luxury to be sons (and daughters) of God and to have His Word available for guidance! Don’t allow satan to capture and enslave you with fear because he does not have any power over you, except that what you give him through fear! Praise God for His mercy and grace and He will provide and deliver you.
I want to thank each one for the feedback and especially for the inspirational messages and prayers even if you could not visit me. Everyday and every week still has its own set of challenges and also victories. Last week Friday I could put my shoes on and tie it by myself – it seems a simple thing but for me it is another milestone.
On Tuesday the Dr said we should wait another 3 weeks of rehab (basically bed rest and some walking), but he do not think it would be necessary to inject the “cement” (they call it something “…plasty”) into the vertebrae. Although they do the procedure nearly on a daily basis, there has been a case before where the “cement” leaked out and the person was paralysed afterwards. But I trust the Lord for a complete healing without any surgical procedures.
Praise God for He is GOOD! Don’t wait for a life changing experience – chose Jesus Christ today and He will change your life – for sure! Then go and visit someone in hospital or a quadriplegic home or someone who are lonely and vulnerable and take a food parcel (colddrink; some sweets/ chocolate; etc) and spend some time with these lonely people and pray for them. You can make a difference in someone’s life.
You are welcome to provide feedback on this posting or if you need to accept Jesus Christ as your personal Savior or even if you need prayer for a specific situation, I will respond to your request.
Praise God for all His mercies and love.